by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

While human beings are certainly social creatures who tend to rely heavily on each other for many things, not everyone is born with the ability to effectively express their thoughts and feelings, let alone have the ability to correctly decipher the verbal and nonverbal cues of others. In fact, a fair number of people find it quite draining and difficult to be with others.

There are many different reasons why one may have a difficult time socially, including one’s temperament, culture, upbringing, and environment. Sure, some people are simply shy and truly enjoy spending time alone, or with a select few. Others, however, may be truly unable to see the world from the perspective of others, and find it difficult, if not impossible to relate to other’s points of view. These may be the very same people who tend to think in a largely logical manner, and find it very difficult to relate to those who think (or feel) on a largely emotional level.

Furthermore, social anxiety may play a big role in the avoidance of social situations. Those who have social anxiety often fear the possibility of somehow being judged negatively by others. These folks often shy away from any situations which may open them up to judgment, foreclosing on any possibility of positive social interactions. Additionally, those who may have been deeply hurt by others in the past may simply choose to avoid any close social contacts in order to avoid repeated injury.

Clearly there are a number of reasons why people may find socializing with others to be problematic. Depending on the reason for the social deficit, however, some social skills can be explained, taught and practiced. For some people, behavioral interventions and practicing the give and take of social discourse, both individually and in a group setting, can be very helpful. For others, working through their past experiences by understanding and accepting themselves and their emotions may help free them up to have less guarded and more fulfilling interactions with others.

by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

Have you ever thought about why it is that while we may not remember the reasons for the various fights we may have had on the playground as kids, we will never forget the nicknames that taunted us in school. Likewise, we will always remember whether or not we went to that school dance, who accompanied us if we did go, who was popular, who was not, and we will certainly never forget what group, if any, we belonged to in high school.

While it may seem obvious that during the high school years one’s social identity is being shaped and modified, if not all together altered, psychotherapists tend to undervalue the salience of this stage of development when attempting to trace back the origins of their clients feelings, often focusing on the early parent-child relationship as the main agent of their client’s identity formation. While the early family dynamics are indisputably salient during the first few years of one’s life, one cannot deny the lasting effects of one’s adolescence on one’s personality, defenses and coping strategies.

Besides the physical and cognitive developmental changes that occur in adolescence that certainly make this time a highly difficult and formative period in one’s life, the nature of authority, namely the concept of who is in charge, begins to take on a different form. While during one’s childhood one’s parents or guardians almost always hold the indisputable role of the authority figures, during late childhood/early adolescence, the focus begins to shift to a more plural authority configuration—namely, one’s coaches, teachers, and especially peers. The tried and true monarchical (and often benevolent) leadership of one’s parents is suddenly and violently replaced by the unpredictable and often-vicious oligarchy by the powerful few! The old tools for getting by at home have now become outdated and a new, “cooler”  manner of being must be adopted in order to survive in this new social world, leaving one to naturally revere and fear the new rulers, while possibly missing the simpler times of the undisputed rule of one’s parents.

The place that one attains in this new social hierarchy will indisputably have an effect on one’s subsequent ways of being in the world, often leaving one to cope with the aftermath of high school in predictable ways. For example, it is not uncommon for folks to walk around with feelings of inferiority well into their adulthood as a result of ever being ostracized during adolescence. It is also not uncommon for people to overcompensate for what was unattainable in high school by being overly demonstrative with their success in later years, perhaps unconsciously hoping to prove to their former classmates just how “worthy,” “successful” and “cool” they really are. Likewise, those  ”lucky” few who may have been popular in adolescence, may also live under the shadow of their high school identity, perhaps forever searching to reclaim their former adolescent glory.

In the words of the now late great Kurt Vonnegut, “true terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country,” yet haven’t they been the very people who have been running the show the whole time, even if only inside our minds?

by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

I just read an interesting article in the New York Times Magazine, which looked at a recent UCLA study that found that having doubts before marriage predicted higher divorce rates for women and higher dissatisfaction with marriage for men.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/01/21/avoiding-cold-feet-down-the-aisle/?ref=health

While the finding that uncertainty about a major life decision may indicate further uncertainty and dissatisfaction down the line may not be initially surprising, the article points out that some individuals may miss important considerations by labeling their misgivings as simply dismissing them as “cold feet”. Since most major life decisions have both a rational and an emotional component, it may be helpful to decouple the various components by viewing the situation from an objective perspective. By writing out one’s concerns, by creating a list of both pros and cons or by simply talking through one’s doubts and misgivings with an objective, neutral participant one can quiet the often-confusing emotional noise around a given dilemma and gain a clearer perspective.

While it is natural to have certain misgivings and doubts when making a major life decision, dismissing one’s gut reactions as “only natural” in hopes that they go away, may not be the best way to a desired outcome. During times of change, it is often important to create a space where one can safely work through one’s feelings, thoughts, reactions and doubts, and come out with a firmer, more measured decision. 

posted by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

When working with individuals with Asperger Syndrome, I have found that in order to have a successful understanding of the individual, one must learn a whole different language–one that is specific to the individual in front of you. The verbal short-cuts that one may use in daily discourse, may make very little “intuitive” sense to the individual with an ASD.
In fact, what I have found that neurotypical communication is riddled with grossly untrue, or at least, untested, emotional statements. How often have you exclaimed statements such as “this is the best dessert I have ever had!” or “this is the best day ever”? Now this may be your subjective experience in the moment, but is that statement in fact, true? Is that tiramisu literally the best dessert that you ever had? How do you know? Have you conducted an extensive empirical study on all tiramisu’s you have ever tried and rated them on a Likert scale, on every dimension of it’s characteristics,( ie., taste, texture, presentation, etc) and then ran a statistical analysis on which one was truly “the best” on all relevant dimensions? If you have not, then perhaps that tiramisu is not the best one you ever had, but you simply feel in this specific moment that it is, or maybe you just want to be nice and make the person who made the dessert feel good?
Now most people know on some level that when one hears such exultations, that the individual just really liked their dessert, or has a reason other than the characteristics of the dessert itself  for singing its praises. However  to some individuals such emotional generalizations may be quite confusing, if not foreign.
The Autism Society has a great feature on improving communication between the neurotypicals and individuals with ASD’s. http://www.autism-society.org/living-with-autism/treatment-options/learningeachotherslanguage.pdf
So the next time you ask an individual with an ASD how they like their dessert, please keep in mind that perhaps you are asking the wrong type of question, and translating exactly what it is that you want to know into words that make sense to the individual may be necessary for you to get the type of answer that you are looking for.

posted by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

It can be difficult enough to maintain a healthy satisfying romantic relationship with another person over time, but what if your partner has difficulty in either processing, noticing and/or exhibiting emotion? Some people may attribute their partner’s emotional unavailability to a lack of commitment, care or passion, or they may believe that this seeming emotional withholding may be intentional. However, these hurtful interpretations may not be necessarily applicable when their is a realization that one of the partners may have Asperger’s Syndrome.
There is surprisingly little literature and services out there that present a balanced, integrated approach to helping couples with AS understand each other’s thinking and being in the world. In my experience working with these couples, it is not enough to help one of the partners be more like the other, but a true compromise, negotiation and acceptance is needed in order for both partners to feel fulfilled and understood in their relationship.
Dr. Cindy Ariel has recently written a wonderful book, titled “Loving Someone with Asperger’s Syndrome”  that works toward helping these couples in their struggle to relate to each in a more balanced and informed way. “http://www.wrongplanet.net/article431.html
While having one of the partners in a relationship diagnosed or living with Asperger’s Syndrome presents a specific set of hurdles, a recent NYT article depicts a relationship between two young people both of whom have been diagnosed with Asperger Syndrome. This article provides a glimpse into the lives of these two individuals and what it is like to be in a relationship with someone who has very specific sensory processing issues, special interests, and many other idiosyncratic behaviors and habits, that may or may not be similar to the other partner’s own idiosyncratic ways of being.

posted by Inessa Manevich, Ph.D.

After having recently watched the latest Woody Allen movie, I wondered to myself why exactly do some of us truly relish the incessant, self-deprecating and neurotic clamor that has now become a caricature of all that is Woody Allen, while others turn their heads in sheer annoyance at such neurotic and seemingly senseless banter. Is it that those of us who tend to be more anxious ourselves feel a sense of familiarity in watching the endless worries of another depicted on the screen, thereby normalizing our own internal battles? Or is it the comfort of watching the vicious cycle of anxiety take hold of another human to the point of absurdity that allows us to work through our own catastrophic fantasies, thereby allowing us to quell our own existential dread? While a certain amount of projection and identification is certainly necessary for a true understanding of a fictional character, do some of us really see ourselves as twitchy, vigilant self-loathers who seem to be constitutionally  incapable of enjoying that which is right before our eyes?
A recent NYT article speaks very profoundly on the subject of living with Anxiety. http://opinionator.blogs.nytimes.com/2012/08/11/the-anxious-idiot/?src=recg The central message in this article is the idea that just because one has been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder (or struggles with anxiety), does not necessarily mean that one has to be defined by it. Essentially, the author argues that acting in accord with one’s anxieties and neurosis is a choice that one makes everyday. While it is, in some ways, easier to do what is habitual and conditioned, purportedly in order to keep oneself feeling safe, those very behaviors and thoughts are reinforcing the anxiety n the first place. Engaging in the behaviors and thoughts that are defined by one’s fears often inhibit the individual from having novel, corrective emotional experiences, thereby deepening the maladaptive neurological and self-fulfilling loop.
Thankfully, there are many methods that help break this often-devastating loop of anxiety and ensuing depression, i.e., various forms of therapy, mindfulness, deep breathing and yoga. The first step is usually  the realization that while it may not feel like it, one often has a choice in how one thinks, behaves and  even feels. The next important step is to remember to chose to engage in those behaviors that will ameliorate the anxiety and not perpetuate it. While some of us may be constitutionally, culturally or by conditioning more anxious and neurotic than others, we certainly have a choice in becoming the neurotic self-loathing caricatures we laugh at (or with) on the screen.